Expressions of my Age

 You’re always growing and learning about yourself, or at least I hope that I am. And coming to a new setting, context, country, and culture has highlighted several things about me that I had not thought about in a while.

The first thing that hit me after being here a bit, was how people view me based on how old I look. I’ve always looked younger than I am, and it’s always bugged me. People have always told me, “one day you’ll be happy you look younger.” And my typical response, “well I’m still waiting for that.”

Celebrating my birthday in Bogotá,
How old do I look?

I know, I know, I shouldn’t complain about this, I can just imagine everyone rolling their eyes as they read this. But it does bug me, and I’ve noticed it more in my first few months here. The reason this bothers me, is because when people think I’m several years younger than I am, I feel like they sometimes treat me differently. They look at me with incredulity and disbelief when I share what I’ve done, what experiences I’ve had. In shock they utter, “but you’re how old?” and after a while that gets tiring.

I think I’ve noticed this more in Colombia, because back home I had been in my role as youth pastor long enough that a lot of people knew me and what I was doing. They had gotten over their surprise that a young woman was a youth pastor. And now I feel like I’m sort of going through that again, meeting people and then watching them get over their surprise of my age.

So many people have asked me if I’m with an exchange program, or in the MCC two year program Seed. And I smile and say no, I’m a regular 3 year service worker. Yes, I was a youth pastor in Canada, and no I’m no longer in my early twenties. 

Another thing I’m relearning, or learning in a new way about me is how expressive I am. I’ve had several people tell me that I’m a very expressive person, and it’s true. This isn’t new to me, but it is something I’ve struggled with accepting in the past.

What I’m feeling is fairly easy to see in my facial expressions and body language. My excitement can be big, my laugh is loud, if I’m tired my eyes give it away, and when I’m not feeling well it shows. I’m quite expressive, without trying to be, I just am. And though I know there’s nothing wrong with that, there are times when I wish I wasn’t.

Expressively enjoying a park in Bogotá

Sometimes I wish I was better at hiding my feelings, I wish others couldn’t read me so easily. I’ve struggled with thinking this in Canada too, but now in Colombia I find myself going through this self-reflection again.

Maybe it’s because the Canadian culture is a bit more closed, and people don’t ask you so many things. Here it’s more acceptable to ask people, sometimes who you barely know, what Canadians would consider rather personal questions. It’s different and something that takes a bit getting used to. My reactions and responses to questions, sometimes share more than I would prefer.

But being expressive is part of who I am, and I don’t want to change that. Still, it’s a work in progress in accepting that at times and how that impacts my interactions and relationships in this culture. Oh the joys of learning about yourself ;)